Ever felt you were standing somewhere you don’t belong and
you don’t even know how you reached there in the first place? You sweat crazily
with the fear that someone might look but you are too petrified to even move.
Also, any sudden movement might trigger an alarm and people might actually turn
their attention to you and your only prayer is that no one notices you for a
while. You say to yourselves, “Calm down! Calm down! Just act like nothing
happened. Take one step at a time and casually turn away. I am going to kill
whoever was responsible for this. Who the hell keeps a weighing machine right
in front of the refrigerator?”
It is all because of those fitness bloggers out there
planting such evil ideas into the minds of innocent cake lovers all over the
world. They make me so furious! If I had one wish, I would wish that these
people would stop…No, wait, if I had one wish then that would be to be thin no
matter what I eat. But if I had two wishes, then… Nope, I would probably wish
for a hairless face. Well, you get my point. I don’t like to think fitness is
an option to those who love food. There, I said it!
“But what do I do, oh wise one?”, you may wonder, “How do I
ever avoid those ‘fitness lovers’ from flaunting their abs at me and whispering
those taunting tips for turning me into a slender stick?”
Fear not! If you ever find yourself in a situation where
people around you seem to have been bitten by the ‘fitness bug’, then follow
these steps:
1. Pretend to be interested
The ‘Fitness-zombies’ can smell fear and
shame, so do not let them catch you running away. Instead, be the one
to chase them for tips, which is the same, “DIET! EXERCISE!”
2. Wear loose clothes
Get those maternity clothes out! Or buy
them, believe me they are an investment. Flaunt those flashy mom shirts so it
looks like you lost weight. Illusion is the key!
3. Install them all
Install so many fitness apps on your phone
and set reminders to pop up right when you are showing them pictures you took
of the one time you entered a gym by mistake.
4. Fake those cramps
Once in every two days moan whilst flexing
your muscles and holding your tummy whenever the treadmill lovers walk by you.
Do not over act, I repeat, do not overact because if they get suspicious they
have a specific set of skills to find you and grill you till you resemble a
shawarma on a stick.
5. Talk their language
Always stay up to date with their language,
so that you know they aren’t talking about you. Keep your friends close and
fitness gurus closer.
6. Eat your way out
And after a few weeks of faking, start
complaining that your metabolism is too complicated to understand and that you
have tried everything to burn that fat. Keep whining and eat your
way out claiming you are too depressed.
And walk away like a cool guy walking away from an explosion.
There you go my friends. By the end of the month you
would’ve not only lost those nasty judging eyes but as a pleasant surprise, you
would’ve also gained a few sympathizing thin friends who pass on all those love
filled cakes and carbs to you and would slap anyone who brings up a new
‘working’ diet regime or tries to guilt you into taking up a gym membership.
Our body is nobody’s business to run, so don’t let their
chatter get to your head. If we feel healthy and confident about ourselves,
then no one deserves to be more satisfied and happy than us. Maybe we took a
lot of effort and failed, maybe we are still trying and maybe we need more time
but that doesn’t give anybody the right to bruise our ego with ‘free tips’ and
‘frozen yogurt’. But, if they don’t understand, if they forget their place and
you want to tell them to mind their own abs without hurting their calorie less
feelings, then feel free to follow my suggestions or just nod to everything
they say whilst munching on a big tub of French fries.
Now that, would be
sending your message LOUD, CLEAR and a little SALTY.
